'The Connell Waldron uni experience'
‘I probably thought if I moved here I would fit in better’: thoughts on becoming Connell rather than Marianne at uni
“You find a lot of dead bodies working here. Lot of students off themselves. We sometimes don’t find them for weeks”. I’m in my bed on the first day of my new life at uni and the handyman is fixing the various parts of my room that were broken when I arrived. It is also 9am. He seems almost proud to impart to me this harrowing fact, but my body goes cold. I’d really struggled with my mental health the last two years at college but I foolishly thought a change of scenery would allow me to discard all the parts of me I didn’t like so much and start afresh. Holding out for uni and the change it would bring had spurred me on. I’d had the double benefit of some of my best friends from my hometown coming with me, so the possibility of being lonely at uni had barely crossed my mind. Plus, I soon learned that I was an introvert, a shock after being 1 of 3 siblings in the noisiest household and never ever being alone, and that I actually enjoyed my own company. My flatmates never bonded and I soon found I could easily go days without seeing anyone, talking to anyone, although I never got used to the silence when I was in my room, hearing others’ lives go on outside the window. Loneliness didn’t hit for the majority of first year, the freshers friend group was tumultuous yes, and I found that I didn’t initially make many friends of my course because I was now apparently shy, but I had my home friends and by second term I’d fallen victim to the ‘man you meet at 18’ trope so I was for the most part quite happy, although I’d occasionally get the sinking feeling that I was no one’s favourite, that I was an interloper. During my summer break I felt myself longing to go back, my home town felt strange and no longer like home and it had been an odd summer. I’d barely seen anyone except my best friend and my then boyfriend and I’d spent nearly all of it working two jobs in the heat, doing medium distance and, when I was at home, getting drunk on Revs 2 for 1 cocktails and then sobbing on the phone begging for him to treat me right. Foolishly I thought going back to uni would right all these wrongs but I soon discovered nothing was the same. My freshers friend group was fragmented, I soon got broken up with but in the most inventively hurtful manner and whilst I had made friends on my course they were still in the acquaintance stage. By late October I’d morphed into Connell Waldron from Normal People, laying sadly in my room watching Grey's Anatomy, dragging myself to work then to the library, then to my society where I felt more alone than ever. I thought that a good remedy to my sadness would be to constantly be busy, and I wanted to get a First, something tangibly good out of what I was going through, so I buried myself in uni work, never allowing myself much time to think about how I truly was feeling. I was distant from my friends, embarrassed of what had happened to me and felt that they couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through.
I wasn't as alone as I believed myself to be. Whilst loneliness amongst the general population is on the rise, perhaps a result of an increasingly connected but also disconnected world, uni students are 4 times more likely to feel lonely than any other group, meaning that the ‘Connell Waldron uni experience’ is far too common. A 2022 study found that 1 in 4 students are lonely most or all of the time whilst the government estimates that 92% of uni students have felt lonely at some point in their years of study. These statistics of loneliness only increase for BAME, LGBT+ and disabled students, who often struggle to find a sense of ‘belonging’. Like me, nearly half of those surveyed assumed that they’d be judged if they admitted how they were truly feeling, a gross overestimation as 87% of students responded that they would not judge others for feeling this way. Most concerningly, many are reluctant to seek help with half of women admitting that they’d feel uncomfortable asking for it, despite the possibility that this unspoken epidemic could spiral into more mental health issues. Student life can be incredibly isolating, and it’s often not the first step into adulthood that has been portrayed in the media or we imagined for ourselves. The pressure of having to support yourself financially, succeed academically and socialise in a new environment can be enormous and it's all too easy to isolate yourself. Nobody could see how miserable I was from looking at me. I went out on terrible nights out, then came home and cried. I was doing well academically, I went to the gym semi-regularly, and I was working 3 times a week. I didn’t seek counselling either because I wasn’t ‘depressed enough’ really, I mean I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I wasn’t failing my modules and I hadn’t relapsed therefore I was ok right? I was lucky, I had good flatmates, to the point where one would message me asking if I was alright when he heard the door go as I went for my 2am wanders, my friends still talked to me even when I ghosted for weeks and I spoke to my mum almost every day. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have such a good support system and I do urge you to seek counselling if you routinely feel this way even if everything’s outwardly ok. Check in on your friends, even if you feel as if nothing seems wrong. Keep going to societies until you find your people, because I promise you they’re somewhere, often in the most unexpected places. I hate to say it gets better but it does. I don’t feel so lonely anymore, I still spend time alone but I like that. I joined another society which I love and I’ve made more friends. Of course “winter is coming” like it always does and with it a dip in mental health, but I’m not as terrified of it.
Student Minds
0808 808 4994
studentminds.org.uk
Samaritans
116 123
Works cited:
‘Normal People’ Sally Rooney
‘New government research shows ‘lonely’ seem to be the hardest word for students’
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-government-research-shows-lonely-seems-to-be-the-hardest-word-for-students
‘Student mental health problems have almost tripled, study finds.’ TASO
https://taso.org.uk/news-item/student-mental-health-problems-have-almost-tripled-study-finds/
‘Students signal significant bounce back in the value of their studies’ HEPI
https://www.hepi.ac.uk/2022/06/09/students-signal-significant-bounce-back-in-the-value-of-their-studies/
University students are far lonelier than other adults-Study. BBC News.
https://www.bbc.com/news/education-61735272